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When I find Summer, I’ll Let You Know

It seems I’m being pulled into summer still wondering how I missed Spring completely. I’m sitting outside at the moment, the wet heat a telling sign that a new season has settled into the air and under skin. I fussed all winter about the cold, sunless days, the thin hope that eventually a cool 60’s breeze with the new sun would lift my spirits back to their proper place. Some family health issues pulled that shade down and I sat inside many days finishing up school with the kids, taking care of chores, wondering when I would get into that spirit lifting breeze. I felt it on the way to the car to the hospital, and then it was summer.

The sound of the ice cream truck and the cars parked at the pool sing the song of summer, a time we like to remember from childhood as less-burdened and busy. But I’ve lost the rhythm of summer. Two years ago it was the early sick months of baby in utero, last summer it was the sweet baby arrived and the mama trying to expand, and this year a few things keep masking the season and holding back my heart.

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With my Dad in the hospital and our family firmly stretched, I haven’t been doing much cooking. After four years gathering the first fruits of our CSA, opening each box like it was literally Christmas in July, I haven’t brought one local, fresh green thing into my house. Past summers brought fresh raw tomato sauce over home made pasta, fruit crisp, and grilled veggie hoboes.Still eating from the freezer, my taste buds don’t know it’s summer.

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With the erratic school schedule of the past months, our work lingers into the days, my teacher brain doesn’t know it’s summer.

With my heart accepting, resisting, surrendering, asking, escaping, and again accepting the various circumstances of our life right now, my heavy heart doesn’t know it’s summer.

With my bare feet hot on the pavement and my kids at the pool with friends, I’m beginning to think I better adjust my ideas of summer, and make up a new version for our family, before we get pulled into fall, and look back for the signs that we missed.

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As I wrote this blog in my head, it ended with a search for summer, the summer I think sounds the best, the one it seems many of my friends get-their only goal the pool, their biggest trial a bad sunburn. But as I searched for photos I realized that my last two summers, albeit challenging and in my mind at the time both lonely and limiting, were also filled with joy much deeper than a summer of afternoons at the pool. Maybe, if I open my arms(and heart) to the possibilities, I’ll realize that what God has for my family is even better than the vision that taunts me just beyond my reach.

sweet baby

6 comments

6 Comments so far

  1. Shannon aka Wordgirl June 9th, 2010 7:44 am

    Beautiful post. It’s interesting that what you want (or thought you wanted?) was a summer filled with pool time. I have an anti-pool blog percolating in my mind because that type of summer sort of scares me. I want more than that – for me and my girls. But like you, I am finding the need to meet summer where it is, even the chaos of renovation.

  2. aimee June 9th, 2010 12:05 pm

    Well, I had a florida childhood and summer was the beach and the pool, simple as that. My mom was most relaxed at the beach, oil glistening on her skin, and I remember my happiest moments under the water or drying off in the sun. It’s not that I specifically want to be at the pool everyday, I want to be that relaxed mom, easy come and easy go, I want to laugh and feel lighter than I really do.

  3. Adriana June 10th, 2010 9:21 am

    Writing is so therapeutic for you and makes my heart happy to see you on a quest for what God has for you which is always best I’m learning too. Love you friend

  4. aimee July 11th, 2010 11:44 pm

    Thanks, therapeutic is a great word, what I love and am surprised by often is how I start at one place and end up somewhere new, a place I wouldn’t have arrived at if I hadn’t sat down in the first place. The pastor was quoting Eric Lidell the other day about how he felt God’s pleasure when he was running and I thought to myself, that’s what I feel when I write. Not that I’m an Olympic writer!-but we must all have something in us like that right?

  5. Amy June 10th, 2010 8:37 pm

    Beautiful post.
    Is that last picture Eve? It’s been too long friend. When will I see you again?

  6. […] after my post lamenting the loss of summer before it had even begun for our family, it found us.  In our own […]

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